She Looks a Lot Like Love
by imlaughingnow
Summary: In which Spencer is broken and her friends try to piece her together again but don't know how. /\Toby doesn't think he believes in love, but if he did, love would look a lot like Spencer Hastings. Post 3.17 Spoby.


**Disclaimer: how about no**

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**(.x.)**

**She Looks a Lot Like Love**

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Toby disappears. Okay, he really hasn't but he makes sure Spencer thinks that he has. He spends all his time basking in the shadows, watching Spencer under the spotlight with her three best friends. He knows this movie by heart. He knows every move, every line and every shake of Spencer's head. He has studied her more than she has ever studied for any exam. He's predicted her movements and knows all her strategies, but when the opening credits roll and he reaches for his popcorn, he can't seem to bring the salty snack to his lips when the tragedy unfolds.

And for once he thinks maybe he's overestimated Spencer Hastings and the silky ribbon that held her together.

He thinks maybe he underestimated just how much she likes him (because he doesn't believe in love and he is sure Spencer doesn't either but he's sure they came pretty close).

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1.

The first thing he notices is that Spencer has drifted. The harsh spotlight is no longer glaring down on her and she no longer sidesteps to make sure she remains the centre of everyone's attention. Somewhere in-between Aria's never ending Ezra drama and Caleb's vengeance for A's neck (most likely without a pulse) that caused Hanna to combust and Emily's mission to find the beach hottie, Spencer had disappeared.

Gone.

Her eyes were empty. Her clothes a dirty puddle of browns and greys of all shades and finally, black. Her hair was wild, tangled and if Toby wasn't mistaken, she had either circled her eyeliner around her eyes or had gotten no sleep for the past few days.

She forces smiles, she snaps and barks and she pours salt into wounds so that everyone around her would cry out in pain too. Then she would press her lips together in a thin line, eyes seething with anger and stalk away. Aria would reach out to grab her by the arm, to widen her eyes and speak of soft lullabies and of days when the sun was always shining and every cloud held a silver lining for Spencer The Great(est Disaster is what nobody but Mona would add). But when Spencer would lock eyes, Aria would flinch and draw her hand back.

"I don't need your help," Spencer would hiss, "stop treating me like a wounded puppy."

"Then stop acting like one." Hanna would stalk up to them and say- Hanna was never one to back down. "I know you're hurt Spencer, but that doesn't mean you can-"

"I don't need another one of your high and mighty speeches." And when Emily would step forward, always the last one to speak up and to intervene, Spencer would narrow her eyes and add, "I'm fine. I'm always fine." And then stomp away.

"She is so not fine." Hanna would murmur and Emily would shoot her a disapproving look and then Hanna would shrug her shoulders and say exasperatedly, "what?"

Then the next day, all would be well again. Spencer's temper would cool down and Aria would meet her halfway- always going the extra mile for the Hastings girl. Or maybe it would be Hanna or Emily. Maybe they take turns. Toby isn't sure, but he knows the next day Spencer will be better. All she needs is twenty four hours, three pints of ice-cream, five crappy old French movies and her three best friends to get over anything life hurls her way.

(He figures all she needs is fifteen hours max to get over him. He was only Toby after all, the pauper to her princess)

And that was what Toby was prepared to see. So when Spencer stumbled over her lines and missed her cues, he placed his popcorn next to him and shrunk back into his seat, trying to ignore the searing pain inside his chest and the muscles that burned to whisk Spencer into his arms (not like she would accept him now).

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2.

Aria frowns when Spencer ignores them the next morning. Hanna clicks her tongue and Emily's brown eyes are overflowing with love and she is chomping down on her lower lip.

"Okay, I know we said we'd give her some space ever since she told Jason about Alison and Wildon but I'm really worried about, Spencer," Emily hesitates and leaves it at that. Hanna looks away from the figure shuffling down the hallway to look at the floor tiles instead.

"This isn't like her." The blonde mumbles and Emily pats her on the shoulder.

"You know it's not your fault Spence is still angry." Aria conveys the words Emily can't.

Hanna shrugs, "I just wish we could do something." And her blue eyes are on their friend again, her figure now disappearing as it bends the corner. Though she doesn't say anything, she worries Aria's wrong and that this is her fault somehow. Hanna was never very good with words.

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3.

"Do you need something?" Spencer asks as Aria falls into place next to her. They are having a group discussion in class about secrets and liars and Spencer wants to throw a rampage and do something stupid like storm out of class and take a three hour ride on her bike. So she does just that when Aria puts her small hands over Spencer's slender ones. She makes sure to leave her books and cellphone behind.

When she finally stumbles home, head spinning, hair curling wildly, shoes covered in dirt and her eyes bleary and red, three figures are in her kitchen whispering. They stop immediately and rush to her side when they hear her come in.

"I'm just saying, if her parents aren't going to be here for her, we will-" A voice Spencer recognizes as Aria's says before she is cut off.

"Where the hell were you? We were worried sick!" Hanna is always the first to reprimand Spencer when Aria and Emily can't find the heart to do so themselves. Spencer is always keeping her on her toes, so Hanna figures she has to return the favor. Common courtesy or something or the other- Spencer taught her that when they were younger. "And where are your parents? Why are you always alone in this stupid house?"

Spencer doesn't say anything about her parents working out of town and cozying it up with Melissa. She doesn't say anything about how her mom found her crying and let her makeup ruin her favourite blouse before she took off the next day, stammering an excuse about work work _work_ and Melissa. She doesn't say what she really wants, which is, "_everyone leaves me one way or another. I'm sure if you all had the opportunity you'd do the same too._"

But she pulls out of Emily's embrace and stumbles upstairs so she can collapse onto her bed. Aria is the first to follow her. She takes off her friend's shoes and dirt stained socks and places them neatly at the foot of Spencer's bed.

Her room is the same as it was before, everything in its place. All the books neatly aligned and her desk clutter-free. But it's empty, like a book without a story and a girl without a soul. There are no picture frames adorning the walls or her desk and Aria can see the indents on Spencer's carpet where her rocking chair used to be but she doesn't say anything. The only picture she can find is one with its face lying down, kissing the cold mahogany of Spencer's bedside table.

She picks it up, and on it she sees her own face smiling radiantly up at her. Next she sees, Hanna's and Emily's with Spencer sandwiched between them. Caleb had photo bombed the picture and was next to Aria's small frame, his eyes closed and his grin wide. Next to Emily, the picture is torn but Aria can make out a muscular arm around Emily's shoulder.

She doesn't say anything because she doesn't know what to say, so she puts the picture frame back on the table- this time leaving the face positioned in Spencer's direction before she kicks off her own shoes and snuggles next to her friend.

(Spencer's room may be clutter-free and organized but Aria figures that is to compensate for the complete mess Spencer's mind is right now.)

Spencer doesn't blink, she doesn't hold Aria's hand like she used to when she gets upset and she doesn't make a sound. Aria only knows she is up because she can see Spencer's frame falling up and down, up and down again. Her back is facing Aria and when half an hour has passed, Aria is sure Spencer is asleep.

Hanna and Emily stick their heads into the room and Aria shakes her head.

_"No, Spencer hasn't gotten better,"_ she's silently saying, _"Spencer is still hurting."_ Hanna nods and Emily inches forward and slides next to Aria. Spencer's bed isn't big enough to fit all four of them, but that has never stopped them before. Hanna is the last one to step inside Spencer's room and when she steps over the spot where the rocking chair used to be, she swallows a few cotton balls and braves over to the side of the bed Spencer is facing. When she gets closer, she sees Spencer's eyes are open.

Her cheeks are streaked with silent tears and her nose is red and running. Her lips are trembling and her hands are clenched around her sheets.

"It'll be okay, Spencer." Hanna finds herself saying mournfully, and she takes her remaining spot on the queen sized bed. She fumbles and encases Spencer's hand in hers. "It's okay to be hurt." She says, and she swears Spencer squeezes her hand.

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4.

"Have you seen Spencer lately?"

"I heard she and Toby broke up."

"She skipped her last class."

"What do you think happened?"

"Poor Spencer."

"She's a mess."

"She looks horrible."

"Is she okay?"

"It's just Toby, she can get anyone she wants to."

Only Mona is the one to smile softly to herself and say, "oh how the mighty have fallen." She gives Toby a side glance and he visibly flinches. "Don't tell me you feel sorry for her." Mona gnashes her teeth together as she speaks and Toby can feel her disdain colliding with his body at 120 kilometers per hour.

He glowers at her in response and she cackles because she's Mona and she thinks it's hilarious when someone suffers. Toby won't admit it but he's suffering, Mona knows because she can recognize pain when she sees it.

This time she laughs harder.

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5.

Emily is the first one to ask her about it. "What happened between you and Toby?"

It's been two weeks and four days. Hanna is counting because Spencer only eats an apple every other day. As for the rest, she has taken to glaring at her food as if she's face to face with Toby or the A-Team itself.

Emily never gets a response.

"Is it something to do with the A-Team? Are they threatening Toby?" Emily asks again and this time Spencer bursts out laughing.

She has dropped her plastic fork (not like she was actually using it anyway) and her face is red. People pause and watch her as she crumbles- because everyone knows what this is. It isn't a laugh, it is a mask and soon Spencer will fall to her knees and finally admit that _hey, she's hurting and the guy she loves has been an expert at causing her pain since they were properly acquainted_, but it gets stuck inside her throat and she swallows it down and says instead, "something like that."

"We can help." Aria volunteers immediately.

"Trust me," Spencer says in between laughs, "you can't."

"What does the A-Team have on Toby? What secret could he possibly have? They must be bluffing!" Aria is on a roll now. Spencer has given her a thread of hope and she is clinging to it as if it will close the distance that has been between them ever since Spencer's breakup.

"Seriously, Spencer, you were right okay. These things only happened because we lied to each other and everyone else around us." Aria inched closer to her taller friend and smiled softly, "but if you open up and tell us what's going on, we can work through it together."

"We're never leaving you," Hanna says solemnly.

And Spencer thinks she believes them and maybe she'll tell them soon, maybe she'll muster the courage, maybe they won't get upset with her for keeping it a secret for so long.

Maybe they won't leave her like everyone else has.

(Not like she has trust or abandonment issues- not _Spencer The Great_.)

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6.

Toby is sick. He thinks he has self-induced the common cold upon himself just so he can try and be as miserable as Spencer is now. His stomach coils whenever he smells food and he frowns when he thinks of how skinny Spencer has gotten. He bites his nails down to the beds and he never stops, even when they're bleeding because he thinks Spencer will forgive him once she finds out that he's hurting too.

When he thinks about her here, in his apartment, his chest aches with the pain of a blunt knife to the heart. He likes to think he has been pierced in his left ventricle. Spencer told him once that the left side of his heart has more cardiac muscle than the right, so he figures if he is bruised there, he'd have a better chance of coming out alive than he would have on his weak side.

(He never realizes that Spencer Hastings is his strongest side.)

Sometimes, he wishes never got close to her- to Spencer. She had loved him so fiercely, when he held her, he came back with third degree burns all over his arms (not like he minds).

"If she'd never come over with that stupid French homework, I wouldn't be in this mess." He tells his reflection in the bathroom one day. His diamond blue eyes are raging with fire themselves, and he briefly wonders what Spencer would do if she saw him like this.

"If we didn't play that stupid game of Scrabble, none of this would have happened."

He tries to think of as many ways as he can to blame Spencer but he can't because he can't help who she falls into like (not love, because Toby is certain he is unlovable) with.

(Just like how he can't help who he falls into love with- if he believed in it and all.)

In his free time, he lies on his bed, only on one side in case Spencer ever decides to show up and he ponders what it would be like to be the good guy for once. And then he laughs hollowly because there are no good guys in Rosewood.

(But he thinks that he would like to try to be one for Spencer.)

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7.

Toby's losing his mind.

He's written her letters, pages and pages long. Other have two sentences that say things like:

_I really did love you._

_I hate you. I could never hate you, Spencer._

He says, _I'm sorry_ a lot.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. We weren't supposed to feel this way. I wasn't supposed to feel this way. _

_I don't believe in love, but if I did it would always be you. _

_I don't expect you to forgive me._

_I wish I could take it all back._

_I never wanted to hurt you, _he writes today, _I did, but I don't want to- not anymore. I didn't know you then- I never gave you a chance but you gave me one and look where that got you. I'm sorry I let you down._

_I'm so sorry, _he says.

He hides them under his mattress, mostly because he is hiding it from himself. He doesn't have any visitors in his loft- not anymore. As of late he is a man of no secrets.

_I wish I could say it was because I wanted to protect you, but I did it because I hated Alison and I hated all of you. I wish I could say I ended it because of you, but I can't. If I did, you'd never make it out alive. Neither would I. _

_Spencer, I wish..._

Sometimes, when he visits his mother, he draws his hands over the carving on the marble. "Toby," he traces it over and over until his fingers are numb. It says Toby, but he really sees, thinks, hears, smells, feels, misses SpencerSpencer_Spencer_ Hastings.

_._

_8._

Spencer can't say she's as fine as she was before (not that she was ever fine to begin with) but she's trying. It's been over a month. He never tries to make contact with her and she hasn't heard the wind whisper his name as she sleeps for a few days, so she takes it as a good sign.

Then he shows up one day in town, muscles pronounced, hair shaggy and falling in his face, his shirt worn and faded and his lips terribly chapped. He stares at her across the street and Aria grips her hand.

"If you ever need to talk," her tiny friend says, "we'll be here."

"If you ever need us to kick his ass," Hanna adds, "we'll be there too." And Emily nods in agreement while Spencer lets out a cold, dry laugh.

"No matter what you tell us, we will always be here for you." Emily touches her shoulder, gently prodding her into the avenue of moving on and all the specials it had to offer.

Spencer rolls her eyes and forces a smile, "I know. I'll tell you one day."

And maybe she will. She is _sure_ she will. She loves them.

(But she loves him too.)

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8.

Across the street Toby sighs heavily and shoves his hands into his jeans pockets.

He genuinely loves her, and he hates her for it.

(He actually doesn't- not one bit.)

"_My space place to land_," she calls him.

_"I love you, Spencer Hastings_," he had told her. He didn't know why. They fell out of his mouth and he was too shocked to do or say anything else when she grins brightly up at him and says, "_I wanted to be the first to say that_."

He wonders if she really does love him. She is all smiles and tender gestures. She elbows him in the side when he suggests inappropriate behavior in public and she kisses him the second his smile disappears. She buys him a truck and she helps him get a job (even though she denies it and claims her innocence). She chooses him over her own flesh and blood, over her own mother and she calls him when she is at her weakest, so that he can help strengthen her walls and form tactical attack plans.

He thinks she's incredible and he can't help himself because he's not supposed to think like that. And he wonders when he stopped hating her enough to look forward to seeing her. When he stopped trying to find cracks in her armor and started to help her build a new one- a stronger one. He wonders how Spencer managed to change his mind, to manipulate him without him knowing.

(A part of him knows it has nothing to do with Spencer, and everything to do with him. And he knows he is in the deep end when he aches for her company and the sound of her laugh but he can't say or do anything about it because she ruined his life and made him a permanent outsider. But then she was also the only person to ever love- if he did believe in love- him unconditionally, the only other person except for his mother, that is. And he feels something in his chest that sinks to the bottom of his stomach and clambers around there restlessly. When he was younger his mother told him, "when you're in love you'll know, you'll feel it but you won't recognize it until it's too late." He wonders if this is it. if this is love. But more importantly, he wonders if it is too late.)

_"She won't be easy to crack," Mona had told him in the beginning, "Spencer is cold, she's unloving and she is the best liar there is. There is no way you can ever get close to her- she won't let you."_

But he did, and he hurt her in the place that took the longest to heal. He punctured her heart when she had given it to him, wrapped up nicely in Christmas paper.

(He didn't know he had given her his in return, he thought he had kept that well hidden.)

_"You should have heard her." Mona cackles to him, "it was pathetic." Toby doesn't respond. He only clenches his fist, "Looks like she had a heart all along." Mona pauses, as if thinking something over, "well, she doesn't anymore anyway," and she smiles wickedly._

But Toby is glad he chose not to return to his apartment after Spencer found him out because he is sure he would have done something stupid like let her inside, charging and ready to attack and he would have laid all his armor down, only to hold her safely in his arms again. He would have kissed her softly and she would dig her nails into his skin until they bled.

But now, he's standing across the street from her, looking as she straightens her spine and pushes her chin into the air. She takes a deep breath and then an unsteady step. He's looking at the way she's carrying herself, all her pretense and her guards that circle her, making sure she never goes unprotected.

He can't stop looking at her, because when he does, he sees love and it scares him.

"I'm sure you don't understand, but I promise you I'll tell you one day." He says gravely to himself, his voice nothing but a hoarse whisper. "When I do, you'll forgive me and we'll have those kids you always wanted..."

Maybe; maybe he will. He _knows_ he will.

(He loves her after all.)

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**(.x.)**

**My first PLL fic ever- do I get a welcoming party? All I know is Spencer Hastings is an amazing character and Troian is an equally amazing character. I wanted to do something a bit different, because most if not all of the fics here are about Toby joining the A Team because he wants to protect Spencer. But I figured if he accidentally fell in love with her, it might've spiced things up a bit? Idk. Tell me what you think, I'm very nervous about it. Cheers.**


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